Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 3

Last winter I started comparing Backyard Sports characters to real life athletes (Part 1, Part 2) and this summer the team behind Backyard Sports started leaking some teasers that we might see a return from the nostalgic favorite of 2000's kids. Then, on August 20th, we got an official trailer from the newly assembled Backyard Sports social media squad. 

When I caught wind of that news I felt like an 8th grader in health class sitting next to the prettiest girl in school. My excitement was palpable to the point where I needed to hit a cold plunge just to regulate blood flow. And now that me and that tweet have had our two week honeymoon, let's dive further into some comps.

So far I've drawn connections between Pablo Sanchez and Mookie Betts, Kenny Kawaguchi and Jason Street, Achmed Khan and Manny Ramirez, Sidney & Ashley Weber and the Cavinder Twins, and more...

Without further ado:

Kiesha Phillips - Brittney Griner

Kiesha is the most...powerful...of the female Backyard Sports characters and she's far from afraid to let it show. One day she's slamming home runs from the cleanup spot on the diamond, the next she's sending Lisa Crocket flying into the third row of the baseline seats with a Shaq-like low post backdown on the hardwood. Kiesha's also a renowned shit-talker, though most of her lines come as references to the TV show Sanford and Son which seems to take a more confusing than intimidating effect on the likes of Reese Worthington and Marky DuBois.

There are very, very few people out there that stack up to Kiesha in terms of athletic ferocity, femboss dom energy, and...adam's apple...but Brittney Griner is certainly one of them. The 6'9" 10x WNBA All-Star and 2x NCAA Player of the Year Griner has asserted her will on smaller centers for the last decade and change, exemplifying everything you could want from a back-to-the-basket, rim-protecting big (wo)man.

Dive further into Kiesha Phillips' Backyard Sports Reference page and you'll notice the comparisons to Griner don't just stop at appearance and play style. Back in the Summer of '91 Pete Wheeler's baseball squad was in win-now mode and made a blockbuster trade deadline deal with Dmitri Petrovich, sending top prospect Pablo "The Secret Weapon" Sanchez to Petrovich for the established veteran Phillips who was fresh off suspension for a failed drug test in a one-sided arms deal that'll live forever in Backyard folklore.

Amir Khan - Seth Curry

Achmed this and Achmed that, when will anyone recognize that Amir is pretty damn good too? He'll never post the gaudy statistics to match his brother's but Amir is a useful piece to a championship contender that understands and accepts his role. Amir knows he's already viewed on a curve when coaches see his last name so he plays with unbridled effort, making you feel his presence by doing the little things that don't show up on the box score.

Seth Curry was never a widely feared defender like Amir Khan, but he could change a game in the matter of a few possessions by catching fuego from beyond the arc. Seth would rarely force the shot though, acknowledging that a contested three from him wasn't as good of a shot as what his team could find with a little ball movement.

Jorge Garcia - Bronny James

People do not like Jorge Garcia, plain and simple. A certain contingency hates him based on name alone, but the rest of his naysayers cite that "he claims he's the 7th richest kid in the world and he isn't actually good at anything. His dad's money is the only reason why he's here." And quite frankly they're not wrong. Jorge has no one talent that you could point at and say "he's best at this." His height works to his benefit playing defense on basketball but aside from that his roster spot would be better utilized by someone with more potential or at least a more specialized skillset.

Whether you think he has a true shot at The League or not, Bronny James is without a doubt the biggest nepo baby in sports right now. Just like Backyard teams draft Jorge so his dad will buy them new uniforms, the Lakers top brass decided keeping the greatest basketball player of all time happy was worth throwing their second round picks to the dogs like it was coated in peanut butter and parmesan cheese. Bronny's ok at shooting, and ok at defense, and ok at dribbling, and ok at just about everything within the confines of the hardwood. The other thing that strikes me about Jorge and Bronny is that they both look like they'd tweet out "#AthletesForKamala" just to show it off to a chick in a grungy Fishtown dive bar while their Make America Great Again Again onesie sits neatly folded in the laundry room of their parents' house.

Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 2

Last week I worked through our first set of Backyard Sports athlete comparisons and this past Sunday I couldn't help but think about Pete Wheeler catching 5 passes for 150 yards and 2 touchdowns just like Tyreek Hill did against the Commanders. Hill's on pace to break Calvin Johnson's single-season receiving yards record which is great, but he's never caught a screen pass from Mikey Thomas from his own 3 yard line, evaded the arm tackle of Kiesha Phillips and run 97 yards down the sideline for the win as time expires on a rainy afternoon at Playground Commons. Pete Wheeler has.

Part 2...

Ernie Steele - Tyson Chandler

With legs like stilts and longer reach than a granny with a flyswatter, Ernie Steele provides more presence in the paint than an art teacher on Christmas. With Steele Stadium in his own backyard, many thought young Ernie was destined for the MLB but his middle school growth spurt pointed his attention to the hardwood. A McDonald's All-American, Steele could've picked any college in the country but instead declared for the NBA draft right out of high school.

Consider Steele's background, look at his Backyard Basketball measurables, and one obvious real life comparison jumps off the page, Tyson Chandler. A career 60% shooter with 3 All-Defensive team honors, Chandler patrolled the lane like he was on neighborhood watch the night before Halloween. Before players like Ronnie Dobbs and Reese Worthington changed the Backyard Basketball landscape with volume three-point shooting, Ernie Steele was among the most valued and highly paid stars in the league.

Achmed Khan - Manny Ramirez

Wearing XL over-ear noise-cancelling Skullcandy Crushers makes hearing the snap count difficult for Khan on the gridiron, but when you've got time to kill idling in left field it's nice to be able to toss on some Grateful Dead live from The Filmore 1971. As a manager, when you're getting consistent .300 batting/30 homer seasons, you can live with Achmed being Achmed. 

What slugger from the early 2000's can relate more to Achmed Khan than Manuel Aristides Ramírez. Posting a .312 average and 274 home runs in 7.5 seasons with the Red Sox, Manny and David Ortiz anchored two World Series winning lineups while Boston fans furiously tried to comprehend their postgame interviews. In a July 2005 game against the Rangers, Manny caught a lot of flack from fans because he rocked a pair of Oakleys with earbud attachments in the field.

I get where these guys are coming from. I wore hoodies every day as a freshman in high school so I could sneak my Apple-provided wired earbuds through my sleeve. There's no way I looked natural leaning my head on my hand for 30-45 minutes straight, much less subtly bopping along to This Plane by Wiz Khalifa with full ear-to-elbow movements. But when you're bored, you're bored and left field can become a lonely place on a long summer's eve so I support Achmed and Manny popping in some tunes.

Dmitri Petrovich - Harrison Mevis

With a body shaped like George Costanza but a leg built in a Siberian nuclear test facility, Dmitri Petrovich is surprisingly the guy you'd feel most comfortable with on the field for the last play of a Super Bowl. When the game is on the line, Dmitri will break out a 4D protractor, stretch out his hamstring, and sink the kick for the win.

This year's Heisman Award seems pretty locked up by Jayden Daniels at this point but until conference championship week it was still a toss-up between him and Bo Nix. The Petrovich Award, however, was decided in Week 3 when 5'11" 245 pound Harrison Mevis, the "Thicker Kicker," lined up and buried an SEC record 61 yard field goal to carry Missouri over #15 Kansas State. That kick secured the inevitable, a second consecutive Petrovich Award on the mantle for Mevis who has one more year of eligibility should he look to join Joey Julius as the only other 3-time Petrovich Award Winner.

Editor's Note: Alex Jones's hit-piece on Dmitri Petrovich from the second episode of InfoWars in March 1999 has been brought to light since the writing of this post. The author nor editor could not find any evidence to support the notion that any claims of Russian espionage towards Petrovich are legitimate. We also have no comment towards the recent tracking of Petrovich's private jet into Kyev.

Ashley & Sidney Webber - Hanna & Haley Cavinder

When NIL deals became legalized in Backyard Sports, Ashley & Sidney Webber put on their tennis skirts, dyed each other's roots blonde, and seized their opportunity. Together they entered the transfer portal, left the local College of Humongous State, and cashed out at Sandy Flats University. Despite both signing endorsement deals well into seven figures, the Webber twins only played one season at Sandy Flats falling short of national title aspirations.

The Instagram fame and permanent tan lines lead the Webbers into a direct comparison with Hanna and Haley Cavinder. Despite everything looking all peachy from the outside, there's certainly backlash that comes with the attention. Sports media members like Sunny Day and Vinnie the Gooch still bring up the Webbers posting duck-faced snapchat stories live during the ESPY's In Memoriam segment from 2 years ago. No doubt we haven't heard the last from these twins, though, as Ashley still has a year of eligibility and was rumored to be touring a campus near the Atomic Armadillos facility where her boyfriend plays quarterback.

Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 1

One of the Top 3 mornings of my life was Christmas 2004. My sister and I had finished unwrapping all of our presents and then my dad noticed there was oneeee more gift. It wasn't a Red Ryder BB Gun, it was way better. We rip away the gift wrapping and there it was, PlayStation 2 and Madden 05 with Ray Lewis staring me down through the cover.

It's occurred to me since that this was a seminole moment in my childhood. Not only would my daily sunlight intake decrease by ~33%, but it also put an end to the first chapter in my sports video game story.

Before PS2, my gaming world revolved around Backyard Sports. Several of my friends had to get glasses in 2nd and 3rd grade and my parents told me it was because they were sitting too close to the computer screen playing Backyard Baseball. Feels like a lie looking back but I played for hours on end. I've put up numbers with Pablo Sanchez that would've warranted a direct line with Rob Manfred to drug test the lad after every game. 

Every Backyard Sports game was awesome from baseball to skateboarding which allowed most characters to carve out a niche so I'm going to work my way through the cast and compare them to real world athletes.

Pablo Sanchez - Mookie Betts

LAAAAAAAADIIIIEEEESSS AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE SECRET WEAPON, THE MEXICAN MOOKIE BETTS, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME ATHLETE OF ALL TIME...PAAAAAABLLOOOOOOOOO SAAANCHEZZZZZZ. 

Pablo's nickname in the games is "Secret Weapon" but even Victoria keeps it more confidential than Sanchez's talents. Baseball, basketball, football, soccer, maybe not hockey, he was the #1 overall pick every time in a player pool that included real life hall of famers. Who would I rather have play shortstop, a combo of Ozzie Smith & Barry Bonds who dominates every game despite playing in a shirt two sizes too small or a 0-time MVP in Derek Jeter? Clear choice.

Mookie Betts has the most tape out there showing his athletic versatility. He has videos dunking, running crisp football routes, and bowling a 300, plus he's a 2x World Champion with 6 Gold Gloves and Silver Sluggers. This is the easiest comp in the Backyard universe, both Pablo and Mookie are simply athletes. Put them in any arena and they're gonna be the best of the bunch.

Pete Wheeler - Tyreek Hill

Pete Wheeler is a burner. Robert Downey Jr. was the only white guy with more speed than Wheeler in the early 2000s and while some of his other skills were a bit lacking, he could outrun anyone else on the field. Petey's best sport was definitely football, you could line him out wide, keep Pablo in the slot and force the defense to try and take just one of them away. Short pass, short pass, short pass, double move from Wheeler for a 60-yard touchdown.

Tyreek Hill possess all the same qualities on and off the field as Pete Wheeler. If you're in a pinch, just get them the ball in space and let em cook. There were also some allegations about a fiery and potentially handsy relationship between Wheeler and Angela Delvecchio in early 2002 but her brother Tony handled that situation. Give Tua Pete Wheeler this year and you'd notice no difference in production.

Jocinda Smith/Billy Jean Blackwood - Angel Reese/Caitlin Clark

If ESPN ranked the top rivalries at the turn of the millennium, they'd have Yankees/Red Sox, Duke/UNC, Bush/Steel Beams, but they'd probably forget all about Smith/Blackwood. Both these ladies were contributors across the board, but take them to the basketball court and it's no holds barred.

Jocinda Smith was born in the Baltimore suburbs learning how to play basketball from her mother and grew up playing against her brother Julian in the driveway. Billy Jean Blackwood grew up in West Des Moines and started her playing career in boys' rec leagues because her father couldn't find a girls' league for her age group. Clearly they come from different backgrounds and sometimes that'll show itself in the heat of battle. Voice your position on the Smith/Blackwood rivalry and you'll get attacked on Twitter either way.

Kenny Kawaguchi - Jason Street