The First Time I Publicly Cussed, A Confession

This was meant to be a story I took to the grave but 18 years have passed so the statute of limitations for this petty crime should have come and gone long ago.

In 2004 I was introduced to bodacious women. On my birthday, my mom and dad took me and 3 friends to the old Baderwood theater (now a Planet Fitness I donate $20/month to) for a matinee screening of The Incredibles. Brad Bird and Pixar Studios took Helen Parr, gave her dimensions that are now studied by med students in Rio de Janeiro, and turned me into a 9 year old "ass man," a notion that'd be reinforced by Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" music video later into middle school.

Elastigirl's butternut squash hip figure wasn't the only thing corrupting my young mind at the time. My birthday present that year was a blue handheld CD Player and headphones. With that, I got to pick out two CD's at FYE with my mom's approval. She knew Kidz Bop from the commercials but she did not know the Black Eyed Peas. So with a copy of Kidz Bop 5 lead blocking like Mike Alstott at the goal line, I was able to sneak in a copy of Elephunk. And I only listened to two songs: "Hey Mama" and the original mix of Let's Get it Started.

One song would get my CD taken away, the other song would get my entire 4th grade class's Nintendo DS privileges taken away on our field trip to Lancaster.