Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 2

Last week I worked through our first set of Backyard Sports athlete comparisons and this past Sunday I couldn't help but think about Pete Wheeler catching 5 passes for 150 yards and 2 touchdowns just like Tyreek Hill did against the Commanders. Hill's on pace to break Calvin Johnson's single-season receiving yards record which is great, but he's never caught a screen pass from Mikey Thomas from his own 3 yard line, evaded the arm tackle of Kiesha Phillips and run 97 yards down the sideline for the win as time expires on a rainy afternoon at Playground Commons. Pete Wheeler has.

Part 2...

Ernie Steele - Tyson Chandler

With legs like stilts and longer reach than a granny with a flyswatter, Ernie Steele provides more presence in the paint than an art teacher on Christmas. With Steele Stadium in his own backyard, many thought young Ernie was destined for the MLB but his middle school growth spurt pointed his attention to the hardwood. A McDonald's All-American, Steele could've picked any college in the country but instead declared for the NBA draft right out of high school.

Consider Steele's background, look at his Backyard Basketball measurables, and one obvious real life comparison jumps off the page, Tyson Chandler. A career 60% shooter with 3 All-Defensive team honors, Chandler patrolled the lane like he was on neighborhood watch the night before Halloween. Before players like Ronnie Dobbs and Reese Worthington changed the Backyard Basketball landscape with volume three-point shooting, Ernie Steele was among the most valued and highly paid stars in the league.

Achmed Khan - Manny Ramirez

Wearing XL over-ear noise-cancelling Skullcandy Crushers makes hearing the snap count difficult for Khan on the gridiron, but when you've got time to kill idling in left field it's nice to be able to toss on some Grateful Dead live from The Filmore 1971. As a manager, when you're getting consistent .300 batting/30 homer seasons, you can live with Achmed being Achmed. 

What slugger from the early 2000's can relate more to Achmed Khan than Manuel Aristides Ramírez. Posting a .312 average and 274 home runs in 7.5 seasons with the Red Sox, Manny and David Ortiz anchored two World Series winning lineups while Boston fans furiously tried to comprehend their postgame interviews. In a July 2005 game against the Rangers, Manny caught a lot of flack from fans because he rocked a pair of Oakleys with earbud attachments in the field.

I get where these guys are coming from. I wore hoodies every day as a freshman in high school so I could sneak my Apple-provided wired earbuds through my sleeve. There's no way I looked natural leaning my head on my hand for 30-45 minutes straight, much less subtly bopping along to This Plane by Wiz Khalifa with full ear-to-elbow movements. But when you're bored, you're bored and left field can become a lonely place on a long summer's eve so I support Achmed and Manny popping in some tunes.

Dmitri Petrovich - Harrison Mevis

With a body shaped like George Costanza but a leg built in a Siberian nuclear test facility, Dmitri Petrovich is surprisingly the guy you'd feel most comfortable with on the field for the last play of a Super Bowl. When the game is on the line, Dmitri will break out a 4D protractor, stretch out his hamstring, and sink the kick for the win.

This year's Heisman Award seems pretty locked up by Jayden Daniels at this point but until conference championship week it was still a toss-up between him and Bo Nix. The Petrovich Award, however, was decided in Week 3 when 5'11" 245 pound Harrison Mevis, the "Thicker Kicker," lined up and buried an SEC record 61 yard field goal to carry Missouri over #15 Kansas State. That kick secured the inevitable, a second consecutive Petrovich Award on the mantle for Mevis who has one more year of eligibility should he look to join Joey Julius as the only other 3-time Petrovich Award Winner.

Editor's Note: Alex Jones's hit-piece on Dmitri Petrovich from the second episode of InfoWars in March 1999 has been brought to light since the writing of this post. The author nor editor could not find any evidence to support the notion that any claims of Russian espionage towards Petrovich are legitimate. We also have no comment towards the recent tracking of Petrovich's private jet into Kyev.

Ashley & Sidney Webber - Hanna & Haley Cavinder

When NIL deals became legalized in Backyard Sports, Ashley & Sidney Webber put on their tennis skirts, dyed each other's roots blonde, and seized their opportunity. Together they entered the transfer portal, left the local College of Humongous State, and cashed out at Sandy Flats University. Despite both signing endorsement deals well into seven figures, the Webber twins only played one season at Sandy Flats falling short of national title aspirations.

The Instagram fame and permanent tan lines lead the Webbers into a direct comparison with Hanna and Haley Cavinder. Despite everything looking all peachy from the outside, there's certainly backlash that comes with the attention. Sports media members like Sunny Day and Vinnie the Gooch still bring up the Webbers posting duck-faced snapchat stories live during the ESPY's In Memoriam segment from 2 years ago. No doubt we haven't heard the last from these twins, though, as Ashley still has a year of eligibility and was rumored to be touring a campus near the Atomic Armadillos facility where her boyfriend plays quarterback.