How Fidel Castro Revolutionized MLB Scouting

As many of us do, I love falling down a good Wikipedia rabbit hole. A search to find out what awards The Script won for their smash hits "Breakeven" and "For the First Time" can lead to an hour of clicking around finding yourself reading the notable alumni section of Shawnee Mission West High School in Overland Park, Kansas (Paul Rudd, Jason Sudeikis, Rob Riggle).

Last night I was spewing nonsense to my mom about what olympic basketball teams would look like if former countries like Yugoslavia or the USSR were still in tact. Or who would be on Mexico's team if they still held on to Texas after General Antonio de Padua María Severino López de Santa Anna y Pérez de Lebrón reclaimed the territory in 1836 at the Alamo. Then she asked me what's the background behind why such a prominent percentage of MLB players come from the Dominican Republic.

I'm not one for a quick and easy answer so I wiped my monocle clean, put on my tin foil hat, and got to work. In 2022 the DR was the birthplace to 171 players on MLB rosters, most of any international country ahead of second-place Venezuela's 106 players and third-place Cuba's 33. Why is it that more than 10% of professional baseball players come from a nation the size of Vermont and New Hampshire combined?

I came to an interesting conclusion. You might know Fidel Castro from inventing the eurostep or his top-selling Funko Pop. But what if I told you that no one played a greater role in the growth of Dominican baseball than Fidel Castro.

                                             

To understand the history of bats and balls on the island of Hispaniola, one must first have a bit of background in Cuban baseball. When America's pastime was becoming popular stateside around the late 19th Century, we were chillin' in terms of relations with Cuba. The lads off the Florida Keys were just starting to drum up a rebellion against their Spanish landlords and that was fine by President Grant. 

At this time, a lot of wealthy Cubans were attending American universities and partying with Gatsby before heading back to the island. When they got home, they wanted to play their new favorite game but while it only takes 2 to tango it takes 18 to baseball. In 2023, I'd just post on my Facebook wall "Hey, need 17 more bodies to bat some balls around the diamond at Ogontz Park around 3:00..comment if you're down, like for a tbh and rate" then share it to my Pinterest board, Instagram Story, and post it in the park's Google review section. But in 1870 Cuba, you would just get the guys in your factory to play after work.

In order for anything to take off and sustain popularity, it must spread successfully through the working class. Baseball has a low bar of entry as it doesn't take much to play. I've played in a hotel room with a body pillow, a suction cup ball from the bowling alley arcade, and a strike zone drawn on the window in deodorant

Baseball's popularity on the island was ignited faster than a poorly rolled cigar doused in hundred-proof rum. During this time of rebellion, many Cubans that worked in sugar cane fields fled for safer pastures. Where did they land? The Dominican Republic. And what did they bring with them? Presumably a suitcase, but also...béisbol.

By the turn of the 20th Century, both Cuba and the USA had warded off the Spanish pricks who were trying to cause a ruckus on our side of the Atlantic. Political relations with Havana were strong and a short-lived military occupation on the island opened American eyes to Cuban baseball talent. US troops would play local teams, professional players would spend their winters in a nonsegregated Cuban league, and soon ball club executives realized they could sign extremely talented players for the fraction of what they were paying Americans.

On comes the Cold War. In steps Fidel Alejandro Castro Ruz. By the time Castro had seized office in 1959 eighty Cuban-born baseball players had debuted in the MLB, 36 in the 1950's alone. As trade embargo effects were really kicking in during the decade from 1970-79, only 4 players that called Cuba home made their major league debut.

Your parents might've felt like badasses trying to sneak a few cigars back from a business trip to Havana when you were a kid, but it's much harder to smuggle a baseball player. With Castro's vice grip choking the river of talent flowing from his island into America, scouts had to look elsewhere to exploit talent for pennies on the dollar so they flocked to the DR like University of Miami Tri-Delts on an all-inclusive spring break trip.

Rewind a bit (yeah I know) back to the 19teens. The Dominican Republic owes a lot of European countries a lottttt of money. Well beyond the amount that'd warrant a few broken knee caps from Paulie Walnuts. This is also during World War I so America looks at the situation and decides, eh shit we don't want anyone from Europe near our borders coming back to collect their boxes of ziti. US occupies the DR and it's an ugly scene for 8 years. Similarly to Cuba ten years earlier, American soldiers compete against the Dominicans in heavily contentious games on the diamond. But the Dominicans won, a lot. 

If you're this deep into my run-on of crap, surely you're already familiar with Mr. Jackie Robinson and the segregation that plagued major league baseball. Because of a difference in complexion, some Cuban players were "accepted" on rosters but not Dominicans. Empathizing with their situation in the US, Negro League stars like Satchel Paige and Josh Gibson would play Dominican winter ball further drumming up the popularity among islanders.

It wasn't until 1956 that Ozzie Virgil broke the barrier, hailing from Monte Cristo, DR and starting at 3rd base for the New York Giants. By that time, over sixty Cuban-born had played in the bigs. As Virgil and the Alou brothers were poking holes in the floodgates, Cuba was raising their dam faster than a pack of beavers off an 8 ball of Colombian booger sugar.

When Castro took power in '59, major league baseball consisted of 16 franchises. Over the next twenty years, 10 expansion teams would be added and my adjunct principles of macroeconomics professor taught me that supply must rise to meet demand. As mentioned above only 4 Cuban players entered the MLB in the 1970's. By contrast, 36 Dominican-born players made their debut in that decade and 64 more were added in the 80's.

Today, almost all of the players you see on TV are being spoonfed to organizations through developmental academies that were established throughout the country by teams to ensure the pipeline keeps flowing. The Dodgers were the first to do so in 1987 setting up their own baseball Plymouth Rock in Santo Domingo and now all 30 ballclubs have their own facility.

Had Fidel Castro not caused such friction with Washington D.C. there's reason to believe that Cuba would have been the capital of Latin's America's surge into major league baseball, not the Dominican Republic. During World War II Cubans were oft turned to as replacements for the players that set off to battle so it was established that there was a deep well of talent capable of filling out rosters. As the league expanded in the 60's and 70's Cuba would have been a natural destination for scouts of new ball clubs but the political scene would dictate otherwise.

Baseball remains just as popular, if not more so, in Cuba as it did 60 years ago and diplomatic relations have improved to the point where a Cuban-born baseball player has debuted on a pro roster in every season since Castro stepped down from power in 2006. Over the last five seasons, 30 players from Cuba have been given a chance in an MLB game; however 31 players from the Dominican made their debut last year alone. Coulda been you, Fidel.

The First Time I Publicly Cussed, A Confession

This was meant to be a story I took to the grave but 18 years have passed so the statute of limitations for this petty crime should have come and gone long ago.

In 2004 I was introduced to bodacious women. On my birthday, my mom and dad took me and 3 friends to the old Baderwood theater (now a Planet Fitness I donate $20/month to) for a matinee screening of The Incredibles. Brad Bird and Pixar Studios took Helen Parr, gave her dimensions that are now studied by med students in Rio de Janeiro, and turned me into a 9 year old "ass man," a notion that'd be reinforced by Mariah Carey's "Touch My Body" music video later into middle school.

Elastigirl's butternut squash hip figure wasn't the only thing corrupting my young mind at the time. My birthday present that year was a blue handheld CD Player and headphones. With that, I got to pick out two CD's at FYE with my mom's approval. She knew Kidz Bop from the commercials but she did not know the Black Eyed Peas. So with a copy of Kidz Bop 5 lead blocking like Mike Alstott at the goal line, I was able to sneak in a copy of Elephunk. And I only listened to two songs: "Hey Mama" and the original mix of Let's Get it Started.

One song would get my CD taken away, the other song would get my entire 4th grade class's Nintendo DS privileges taken away on our field trip to Lancaster.

Where Are They Now? A Charlie Brown Christmas

What do American cinema classics Remember the Titans, Miracle, and Animal House all have in common? They're all movies based on a true story with closing 'Where are they now' scenes offering some closure with the characters that just took you on a 90 minute roller coaster ride of emotion. Without these blurbs before the end credits, I wouldn't have known Sunshine Ronnie Bass played QB at South Carolina or that John Belushi became a US Senator while Neidermeyer's own men shot him in Vietnam. These scenes tie the bow on a perfectly wrapped gift of filmography.

A Charlie Brown Christmas will entertain, educate, and tantalize you for a half hour. Linus taking Chuck through the journey of enlightenment to see beauty in the Christmas season should be used in psychology textbooks and journals.

For me, 30 minutes isn't quite enough. I need just 3 more minutes of Vince Guaraldi orchestrated symphony while the Peanuts gang fades across my screen with a passage about their life in the years following production. But at 8:30 PM the programming changes to a screaming oversized red-headed elf and my euphoric reverie is pulled out from me like Lucy holding a field goal.

Why not try and guess where the Peanuts gang ended up. Charles Schultz couldn't provide me that closure so I'll search for it myself. The movie was made in 1965 so for the sake of this exercise I'm going to push it back to 1995 putting the lads in their mid to late 30's now and slightly more relatable.

Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown has always been a lovable loser. His spirit fluctuates from unachievable optimism to Mariana Trench level deep depression. The DSM-5 might have something to say about the clear imbalance in Chalie's serotonin and dopamine levels but Chuck's fans see him as a relatable on-screen figure.

Today: Charlie Brown scratched by paycheck-to-paycheck as a line cook at Cicis Pizza Buffet before getting laid off in March 2020. A cashier selling him a 6 foot rope then told Charlie about Ethereum. His initial investment has increased in value by 1500% since but he can't Venmo you for drinks at the bar until 72 hours after clearing a withdrawal with three North Korean government officials.

Linus Van Pelt

Linus Van Pelt lived a lot of his life in the shadows, known mostly for being Charlie Brown's best friend and Lucy's little brother. His trusty blanket and refusal to give up thumb-sucking further played up his need for co-dependency, really made out to be a shell of a human being by Charles Schultz. It's tough for fans to find anything bad to say about Linus but they're also not going to find a whole lot of superstar qualities in him either. 

Today: Linus decided he was sick of his parents always favoring Lucy. He was sick of Charlie Brown's constant bitching about the Little Red Head girl without ever asking her on a date. And he was especially sick of Snoopy treating his blanket like a tug-of-war toy tossing him around the yard. One day he walked up to the side of the highway, took his thumb out of his mouth, turned it sideways, and started heading west. A couple days later Linus tried magic mushrooms for the first time at a truck stop just outside Pagosa Springs, Colorado. He felt like his eyes were fully opened to who he truly was as an individual. After a 12 hour trip in the of cab an 18-wheeler, Linus hopped out and set up shop in Joshua Tree where he still lives today selling tribal blankets.

Lucy Van Pelt

God how it'd burn me up when Lucy would set up a perfectly held field goal, let Charlie Brown step back three times and twice to the left, charge the pigskin, take a swing like he's Justin Tucker sending one from 62, and whiff to land flat on his back once again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me................can't get fooled again. I get that Charlie's the dumbass in this situation but forgive me for thinking Lucy would give him ONE chance to kick the damn ball.

Today: While Lucy was denying Charlie Brown of ever getting the chance to become a kicker in the NFL, CFL, XFL, AFL, USFL, or any other FL, she was practicing on her own. Lucy spent hours kicking her soccer ball against whatever wall she could find, even if it led up to a roof occupied by a sleeping Snoopy. She was a sensational young star, joining national training programs at just 12 years old. Then, in 2003, Lucy thought she was going to achieve her goal of becoming the youngest American woman to play in the World Cup. It was anticipated she would take the last spot on the USWNT but, in a shocking turn of events, Coach April Heinrichs opted for the slightly older and more experienced Abigail Wambach for the team's final roster spot.

Pig Pen

I don't blame Pig Pen. I blame his parents. Who lets their kid walk around town and go to school with a force field of filth surrounding his every step? Slobs and cavemen, that's who. It's amazing that the rest of the Peanuts gang doesn't let Pig Pen's lack of sanitization ruin their mental sanity. Wouldn't be my homie running around like he needs mud flaps.

Today: Pig Pen quite literally grew up to be Liver King. Down to 1 functioning eye but still following the 9 ancestral tenets, Pig Pen is enamoring from afar but downright impossible to be around due to the pungency that constantly surrounds his aura. We should have seen this coming though. Charlie and Linus both said Pig Pen used to steal the eggs Woodstock laid calling them his "daily protein shake" then would munch them down shell and all.

Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 2

Last week I worked through our first set of Backyard Sports athlete comparisons and this past Sunday I couldn't help but think about Pete Wheeler catching 5 passes for 150 yards and 2 touchdowns just like Tyreek Hill did against the Commanders. Hill's on pace to break Calvin Johnson's single-season receiving yards record which is great, but he's never caught a screen pass from Mikey Thomas from his own 3 yard line, evaded the arm tackle of Kiesha Phillips and run 97 yards down the sideline for the win as time expires on a rainy afternoon at Playground Commons. Pete Wheeler has.

Part 2...

Ernie Steele - Tyson Chandler

With legs like stilts and longer reach than a granny with a flyswatter, Ernie Steele provides more presence in the paint than an art teacher on Christmas. With Steele Stadium in his own backyard, many thought young Ernie was destined for the MLB but his middle school growth spurt pointed his attention to the hardwood. A McDonald's All-American, Steele could've picked any college in the country but instead declared for the NBA draft right out of high school.

Consider Steele's background, look at his Backyard Basketball measurables, and one obvious real life comparison jumps off the page, Tyson Chandler. A career 60% shooter with 3 All-Defensive team honors, Chandler patrolled the lane like he was on neighborhood watch the night before Halloween. Before players like Ronnie Dobbs and Reese Worthington changed the Backyard Basketball landscape with volume three-point shooting, Ernie Steele was among the most valued and highly paid stars in the league.

Achmed Khan - Manny Ramirez

Wearing XL over-ear noise-cancelling Skullcandy Crushers makes hearing the snap count difficult for Khan on the gridiron, but when you've got time to kill idling in left field it's nice to be able to toss on some Grateful Dead live from The Filmore 1971. As a manager, when you're getting consistent .300 batting/30 homer seasons, you can live with Achmed being Achmed. 

What slugger from the early 2000's can relate more to Achmed Khan than Manuel Aristides Ramírez. Posting a .312 average and 274 home runs in 7.5 seasons with the Red Sox, Manny and David Ortiz anchored two World Series winning lineups while Boston fans furiously tried to comprehend their postgame interviews. In a July 2005 game against the Rangers, Manny caught a lot of flack from fans because he rocked a pair of Oakleys with earbud attachments in the field.

I get where these guys are coming from. I wore hoodies every day as a freshman in high school so I could sneak my Apple-provided wired earbuds through my sleeve. There's no way I looked natural leaning my head on my hand for 30-45 minutes straight, much less subtly bopping along to This Plane by Wiz Khalifa with full ear-to-elbow movements. But when you're bored, you're bored and left field can become a lonely place on a long summer's eve so I support Achmed and Manny popping in some tunes.

Dmitri Petrovich - Harrison Mevis

With a body shaped like George Costanza but a leg built in a Siberian nuclear test facility, Dmitri Petrovich is surprisingly the guy you'd feel most comfortable with on the field for the last play of a Super Bowl. When the game is on the line, Dmitri will break out a 4D protractor, stretch out his hamstring, and sink the kick for the win.

This year's Heisman Award seems pretty locked up by Jayden Daniels at this point but until conference championship week it was still a toss-up between him and Bo Nix. The Petrovich Award, however, was decided in Week 3 when 5'11" 245 pound Harrison Mevis, the "Thicker Kicker," lined up and buried an SEC record 61 yard field goal to carry Missouri over #15 Kansas State. That kick secured the inevitable, a second consecutive Petrovich Award on the mantle for Mevis who has one more year of eligibility should he look to join Joey Julius as the only other 3-time Petrovich Award Winner.

Editor's Note: Alex Jones's hit-piece on Dmitri Petrovich from the second episode of InfoWars in March 1999 has been brought to light since the writing of this post. The author nor editor could not find any evidence to support the notion that any claims of Russian espionage towards Petrovich are legitimate. We also have no comment towards the recent tracking of Petrovich's private jet into Kyev.

Ashley & Sidney Webber - Hanna & Haley Cavinder

When NIL deals became legalized in Backyard Sports, Ashley & Sidney Webber put on their tennis skirts, dyed each other's roots blonde, and seized their opportunity. Together they entered the transfer portal, left the local College of Humongous State, and cashed out at Sandy Flats University. Despite both signing endorsement deals well into seven figures, the Webber twins only played one season at Sandy Flats falling short of national title aspirations.

The Instagram fame and permanent tan lines lead the Webbers into a direct comparison with Hanna and Haley Cavinder. Despite everything looking all peachy from the outside, there's certainly backlash that comes with the attention. Sports media members like Sunny Day and Vinnie the Gooch still bring up the Webbers posting duck-faced snapchat stories live during the ESPY's In Memoriam segment from 2 years ago. No doubt we haven't heard the last from these twins, though, as Ashley still has a year of eligibility and was rumored to be touring a campus near the Atomic Armadillos facility where her boyfriend plays quarterback.

Haha #3

 

Best Birds to Eat

We're a week removed from Thanksgiving and a discussion is had every year about turkey being a terrible main dish for a holiday meal. It's a tough bird to cook and dries out easily but 400 years ago John Smith and his band of misfits shipwrecked on a giant pebble in Massachusetts so now every year thousands of families lose their trailer park home to fryer fires and millions of suburban children load their plate with poultry that tastes like it's been slow roasted in a sand dune.

I'm going on about 26 years or so eating birds. Turkey's nowhere near the top. It'd be more useful minced up for janitors to spread across piles of vomit in the hallway at you local middle school.

Here I'll give you 3 better bird options for you to send your aunt and uncle for next year's Thanksgiving, your whole family will thank me

Chicken

No need to get cute here. Chicken is as synonymous with American culture as Rosie O'Donnell is with liposuction. Go to a wedding, do the chicken dance. Win an NCAA National Championship, eat a McChicken with Donald Trump in the White House. Wanna become a local celebrity, eat a rotisserie chicken every day for 40 straight days. In a country who's economy is borderline reliant on chicken, how is it we have a holiday devoted to turkey? The only true explanation I have is that the owner of Butterball has some nasty pictures of the owner of Perdue locked away in a Swiss safe deposit box. Otherwise my Thanksgiving plate should be nothing but wings, thighs, drums and 11 herbs & spices.

Duck

What do you do when the Bumpus's hounds break into your back door and mangle your holiday turkey? You turn to a far more succulent option and order the whole duck from a Chinese restaurant. Sure it might be smiling at you but that's just foreshadowing for the look on your face once you taste one bite of this delectable pond-dweller. There's more flavor in one duck breast than there is in a full rafter of wild turkeys. Be advised though, mallard meat can be greasier than John Travolta on a summer romance so if you're hosting the holidays make a stop at Costco for spare Charmin extra soft.

Crow

Just ask Skip Bayless, crow is an acquired taste. You need to eat enough of it to get over the initial salty taste it leaves in your mouth. Much like a beautifully marbled cut of A5 Wagyu, crow needs to be carefully prepared but when cooked properly it just melts in your mouth. I say this out of precaution, because there may come a day that you try to avoid the tolls driving down to Atlantic City and break down in the woods of Medford. In this trying time you might be tempted to eat raw crow. DO NOT DO IT. You might think it'll taste like chicken but uncooked it'll just feel like your insides are tearing up. Again though, when crow is cooked to a nice internal temperature of 132.5° you won't think twice about bringing turkey back on the table. 

Ban the Dr. Pepper Challenge Chest Pass

When the Dr. Pepper Tuition Giveaway debuted at the ACC Championship in 2008, it instantly jumped into the Mount Rushmore echelon of halftime entertainment. It was Creed in Dallas on Thanksgiving, Red Panda the acrobat across the country, Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl, and the Dr. Pepper Tuition Giveaway. The soda brand challenge came out of the gates with an intense, blood-pumping, pressure-cooker atmosphere giving regular kids a chance to chip away at an iceberg of student debt.

I don't know how to embed videos but if you click the first link, you'll see Geza Kenna III from Brick, NJ take down Ronnie Botts from Georgia in a classic, fundamentally-sound, overhand throwing contest. The next year at the SEC Championship, South Alabama med student Sarah Beth Hill put on a methodical masterclass. Her opponent blew his load way too early, running out of throws with 15 seconds left and only 8 in the bucket. But the tortoise beats the hare in the old story and Sarah Beth took her time and checked down for chunk yardage on the way to 9 makes and the victory.

That's when everything went downhill and I imagine it's around the same time HR departments started referring to company merchandise as "swag". 2009 was the last authentic Dr. Pepper Challenge we've been graced with as a country. In 2010, Nikki Boon from Grand Rapids, MI ruined it forever. She decided to throw a chest pass. Look, Nikki, if I wanted to watch the NBA Skills Competition I'd youtube search Steve Nash's 2006 highlight reel. Here's her quote from an ESPN interview:

"What did you ask? Did I change football history?" Nikki Boon says with a laugh. "Is that what happened? OK, I'll take that. Because maybe I also helped change some people's lives that night. I know that night changed my life forever."

Ya know what, Nikki, you did change football history. For the worse. Every year I no longer look forward to the Dr. Pepper Halftime Challenge. Instead, I look forward to screaming at the television when I see someone give the pigskin a two handed shove that only Bob Cousy would be proud of.

Thanks, Nikki, I'll probably never get to experience anything near the level of The Thrill from Sarah Beth Hill ever again.

Backyard Sports Real Life Comps Pt. 1

One of the Top 3 mornings of my life was Christmas 2004. My sister and I had finished unwrapping all of our presents and then my dad noticed there was oneeee more gift. It wasn't a Red Ryder BB Gun, it was way better. We rip away the gift wrapping and there it was, PlayStation 2 and Madden 05 with Ray Lewis staring me down through the cover.

It's occurred to me since that this was a seminole moment in my childhood. Not only would my daily sunlight intake decrease by ~33%, but it also put an end to the first chapter in my sports video game story.

Before PS2, my gaming world revolved around Backyard Sports. Several of my friends had to get glasses in 2nd and 3rd grade and my parents told me it was because they were sitting too close to the computer screen playing Backyard Baseball. Feels like a lie looking back but I played for hours on end. I've put up numbers with Pablo Sanchez that would've warranted a direct line with Rob Manfred to drug test the lad after every game. 

Every Backyard Sports game was awesome from baseball to skateboarding which allowed most characters to carve out a niche so I'm going to work my way through the cast and compare them to real world athletes.

Pablo Sanchez - Mookie Betts

LAAAAAAAADIIIIEEEESSS AND GENTLEMEN, I PRESENT TO YOU, THE SECRET WEAPON, THE MEXICAN MOOKIE BETTS, THE GREATEST VIDEO GAME ATHLETE OF ALL TIME...PAAAAAABLLOOOOOOOOO SAAANCHEZZZZZZ. 

Pablo's nickname in the games is "Secret Weapon" but even Victoria keeps it more confidential than Sanchez's talents. Baseball, basketball, football, soccer, maybe not hockey, he was the #1 overall pick every time in a player pool that included real life hall of famers. Who would I rather have play shortstop, a combo of Ozzie Smith & Barry Bonds who dominates every game despite playing in a shirt two sizes too small or a 0-time MVP in Derek Jeter? Clear choice.

Mookie Betts has the most tape out there showing his athletic versatility. He has videos dunking, running crisp football routes, and bowling a 300, plus he's a 2x World Champion with 6 Gold Gloves and Silver Sluggers. This is the easiest comp in the Backyard universe, both Pablo and Mookie are simply athletes. Put them in any arena and they're gonna be the best of the bunch.

Pete Wheeler - Tyreek Hill

Pete Wheeler is a burner. Robert Downey Jr. was the only white guy with more speed than Wheeler in the early 2000s and while some of his other skills were a bit lacking, he could outrun anyone else on the field. Petey's best sport was definitely football, you could line him out wide, keep Pablo in the slot and force the defense to try and take just one of them away. Short pass, short pass, short pass, double move from Wheeler for a 60-yard touchdown.

Tyreek Hill possess all the same qualities on and off the field as Pete Wheeler. If you're in a pinch, just get them the ball in space and let em cook. There were also some allegations about a fiery and potentially handsy relationship between Wheeler and Angela Delvecchio in early 2002 but her brother Tony handled that situation. Give Tua Pete Wheeler this year and you'd notice no difference in production.

Jocinda Smith/Billy Jean Blackwood - Angel Reese/Caitlin Clark

If ESPN ranked the top rivalries at the turn of the millennium, they'd have Yankees/Red Sox, Duke/UNC, Bush/Steel Beams, but they'd probably forget all about Smith/Blackwood. Both these ladies were contributors across the board, but take them to the basketball court and it's no holds barred.

Jocinda Smith was born in the Baltimore suburbs learning how to play basketball from her mother and grew up playing against her brother Julian in the driveway. Billy Jean Blackwood grew up in West Des Moines and started her playing career in boys' rec leagues because her father couldn't find a girls' league for her age group. Clearly they come from different backgrounds and sometimes that'll show itself in the heat of battle. Voice your position on the Smith/Blackwood rivalry and you'll get attacked on Twitter either way.

Kenny Kawaguchi - Jason Street

Haha #2

 

5 Hats to Put On Your Christmas List

I don't know about you but ever since the pandemic I've had a hard time telling Santa exactly what I want for Christmas when I take my picture with him at the mall. Every time I'm in line and the elves are yelling "Come on kid...move up in line now kid...what are you like 30?" I get flustered. Each of the past three years I've wanted to ask for a cool hat, something to really spruce up any winter outfit, but when I sit on his lap all I can spit out is "football." What the fuck is a football?!

I'm going to be proactive about my list for Santa this year, I'm going to study my list, maybe even twice. And when the big moment comes at Willow Grove Mall in two Saturdays, I'm gonna get it right.

This is my list of the 5 Coolest Hats for the 2023 Christmas Season 

5. Any NBA Finals Snapback from PacSun

It goes unsaid but I'll say it anyway. Just about every single article of clothing from PacSun is absolute fire. If you buy your threads from Urban Outfitters you're a crunchy poser and if you go to H&M your shirt might break in the wind. True swaggy Cali bros like Nyjah Houston and Sam Bankman-Fried rock PacSun so enough said.

My personal favorite NBA Finals Snapback is the Sixers-Lakers '01 edition but that's with bias so pictured here would be my next go-to. Mitchell & Ness doesn't make a single bad hat so you can't go wrong with whatever is in stock at PSun but Karl Malone lost in '98 and he's a certified Bad Guy. These are on sale right now so it's the perfect time to add the 1998 Chicago Bulls-Utah Jazz NBA Finals Snapback from PacSun to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

4. Carhartt Beanie

This is another Cool Guy Hat. If Nyjah Houston and SBF aren't wearing PacSun snapbacks, they're almost certainly sporting a beanie on the melon. Not all beanies are built the same however. Pom-pom beanies had a huge run and are still hot in the streets but the more I see them on drunk dudes at tailgates as opposed to pretty girls with fake tans in Manhattan, the less I think they're under the "Cool Guy" category.

The Carhartt, though, is for the cool guys. Am I trying to give off the illusion that I just gave a 60 hour week to the Union fitting pipes or welding things that get welded? No, take one look at my lotioned hands or ask me to put together a piece of Ikea furniture and I'd be exposed. But I can toss on a Carhartt Beanie and be one of the coolest guys in any room. Bar, gym, apartment building lobby, D3 sorority house, anywhere. Carhartt's are always a hot ticket especially during the winter so it's time to add a Carhartt Beanie to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

3. Crockett & Boone Authentic Fur Hat

What screams "adventure" more than an authentic Crockett & Boone raccoon fur-lined hat? Wind resistant, water deterrent, heat insulant, this bad boy offers everything you need to keep your scalp warm in these colder months. Quite frankly if you're bald or balding, this is a must have. Beanies offer style but when the wind whips up, your shiny dome is still going to take the brunt of it. Plus this piece acts as a natural toupee making it good for indoor and outdoor wear so it's time to add a Crockett & Boone Fur Hat to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

2. Viking Helmet

We're talking adventure?! How about I take your Davey Crockett and raise you the Vikings. Wearing a viking helmet out in public might not give off the best vibe from an ethical or moral standpoint when you get into the weeds, but if nothing else all the other fellas will know that you are down to plunder and pillage.

Treat yourself. Book a roundtrip flight to Stockholm with a stop in Reykjavik. Soak in the awe-inspiring beauty of the Northern Lights. Tour an igloo. Sit in a sauna with 6'5" chiseled Scandinavians and take a small hit to your self-confidence. All the while, you can look up and be sure that there's a horn protecting each side of your precocious cranium. Flights to Sweden and Norway tend to be a bit cheaper in the winter months as fewer people seek out the subzero celsius weather, so it's a great time to add a Viking Helmet to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

1. Kevin James Wool Cap (Kangol)

Kevin James has a stronghold on popular culture. Always has, always will. I grew up on Everybody Loves Raymond and The King of Queens. They'd come on right after each other and Ray Barone couldn't hold a candle to Doug Heffernan. Some may scoff at Doug's job as an IPS deliveryman but he got to wear shorts to work every day and ate the best sandwiches in New York City for lunch based on his route. Then he went home to a beautiful wife who worked as a paralegal in Manhattan and tolerated endless amounts of bullshit and Whopper crumbs. As a chubby 5th grader I thought this guy was writing the script I needed to follow for the rest of my life. Poor guy was a Mets Jets Knicks fan though.

Since then we've seen this guy save a Black Friday sale as Paul Blart, learn MMA to provide high schoolers with after-school activities as Scott Voss, lead the Liberty Christian Warriors of Argyle, TX to a near undefeated season as Sean Payton, run a zoo, judge the Zohan's hacky sack tournament, voice Otis the cow in Barnyard, marry Adam Sandler, and team up with some of the funniest minds in Hollywood to create the greatest duology in cinema history with Grown Ups & Grown Ups 2. Now he's back in memes across your timeline so what better time to add a Kangol Wool 504 to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.