Former Harlem Globetrotter Henry Kissinger Dead at 100

 Henry Kissinger is a name I've heard at least a thousand times in my life but until yesterday I really didn't know who he was other than a figure from 1970's politics. So when I got a notification on my phone that he died, naturally I hit up Wikipedia. Not gonna lie they kinda had me in the first half, I wasn't sure why everyone hated him so much, then I got to the bad stuff. Let's dig.

I'm not going to give this guy glory but there's a little bit of credit due when a guy lives to be 100 years old especially when you look at the first 20 or so years of his life.

Kissinger was born into a Jewish family in Germany in 1923 so at 15 years old he and his family left for America. Fast forward another 5 years and Hank is drafted into the Army to go fight the same guys that just forced his family to leave their home. Redemption arc. He goes to Europe and fights the nazis at the Battle of the Bulge. Last month I watched Band of Brothers for the first time, most of the boys never made it back from Bastogne physically or mentally. Even as a private Kissinger proved valuable to his commanding officers with his ability to speak German so all told he was a pretty damn good American soldier.

Fast forward another 10 years and Kissinger has earned his bachelors, masters, and doctorate from Harvard. I'm sitting here reading his wikipedia page wearing a Harvard Business School sweatshirt, I didn't go there, but you have to understand how I'm starting to feel about this guy with no prior background knowledge. So far I know Hank Kissinger as an intellect who fled from nazis and then went and shoved it right back in their fuckin faces at the Bulge.

The subheader that followed "Academic career" was "Foreign Policy." This is where he lost me. I've never claimed to be into politics mostly because I don't understand them all too well but sheeeeeesh. From what my research told me (skimmed the paragraphs), Kissinger was boys with Pol Pot and he kissed Richard Nixon at least once. With an allegiance to Nixon-Pot I thought he would've also worked under Reagan's administration but no.

1973 this guy wins the Nobel PEACE Prize for negotiating a ceasefire to a conflict that he perpetuated himself. The early 70's must've had the absolute worst people because there was no winner of the award in 1972 and the next year they rewarded a potty-trained toddler for cleaning up its own puddle of pee on the kitchen floor. The only worse award that comes to mind is the 1950 National League MVP when Jim Konstanty, a Phillies reliever, beat out Stan Musial and Ralph Kiner for the award with this season stat line:

Hey, I don't think Kissinger deserved the same award given to Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and the Dalai Lama but something inside of me gives the tiniest bit of credit to him for creating such a terrible mess that ending it was so highly praised.

"Awards, honors, and associations" subheader, third bullet, Wikipedia did it. They got me to do a full 360 on Kissinger by the end of the page. It says, "In 1976 Kissinger became the first honorary member of the Harlem Globetrotters." COME ON. MSNBC is going to tell you about all the genocide, and the bombings, and the blatant disregard for the Geneva Convention, but they're not going to mention that he was the Jewish Jackie Robinson of Street Ball. Your buddy from middle school who was First Team All-JJBL might end up becoming an executive for an NBA team, but Kissinger WAS a Harlem Globetrotter. And how about the interview, describes himself as a scrappy coach's son-type on the court then concludes it with being nervous about how his pasty knees will look next to 6'7" Adonises. Relatable as all hell.

I know I don't actually like this guy but his Wiki had me feeling like Shane Gillis at Mount Vernon. It's like, yeah this guy did commit horrible atrocities, but dude, he was on the Globetrotters. Rest in Nobel Peace 

Haha #1

 

Family Dinner Debates: Would You Pick Up Air Bud's Team Option?

 We're in the thick of the holiday season which means the air gets colder, the days get shorter, and you spend more time than usual with extended family members. Time with family is nice, there's no doubt about it, but after the initial catch-up small talk there can be a lull until one of the uncles gets drunk enough to trigger your Antifa cousin. Nobody likes talking politics, nobody likes talking about their job, and in reality if you talk about your recent vacation I'll just attach to one detail in the middle of your story and ask a hollow question about it at the end to prove I was listening.

But we don't have to talk about these things, what we can do is rouse up a debate so meaningless that in the end no one has to vent on their Instagram close friends story about Uncle Steven's off-color comment about seeing his Jewish landlord at the gas station.

Which begs the question, if you were an NFL or NBA general manager, would you pick up the fifth-year team option on Air Bud's rookie scale contract or would you let him become a restricted free agent?

We'll have to look at the sports separately...

NBA

If we're being entirely honest with ourselves, Air Bud was ass at ball on his own but there's a perfect teammate out there lurking in the league that could set the league by storm.

I'm not the first, nor the second, and probably not the third person to analyze AB's hoops game. He was a stat stuffer, there's no denying that, 10 points 5 steals and 5 assists is nothing to sneeze at for a debut but the underlying metrics show Bud's run of glory would be less sustainable than Linsanity.

The glaring issue with Air Bud's game that advanced analytics and sabermetrics indicate is that he is, in fact, a dog. Also consider this stat provided by Mel Magazine, Air Bud puts up an 80% Field Goal % With Kid Throwing Ball at Head but a measly 0% without an assisting toss.

It's evident that Air Bud just cannot create his own shot, even Andray Blatche would be a better option in isolation, but there are other players on the court for a reason so given the right teammate AB could thrive. Josh Framm isn't going to be that guy, his dad had a better chance of landing that plane than he does of being in the NBA. 

But Air Bud is used to clowns and Ben Simmons loves to pass the ball when he's right next to the hoop which makes for a dangerous pick-and-pup combo that could sneak a team into the play-in tournament.

Verdict

Unless there's another player in the league who is willing to pass up completely open layups, let alone to a dog, 29 of the 30 teams in the NBA should not pick up Air Bud's fifth-year option. The amount of money saved in mopping drool off the court will be worth it alone.

NFL

The gridiron is a different scene for the blonde pup out of the Pacific Northwest. "Golden Receiver" is a borderline insulting title for a dog who's skillset is not limited to just splitting out wide. Line up Air Bud in the slot or backfield and he'll still weave through your defense with the grace of a Russian ballerina. The Great Tacoma Flood of 2000 wiped out most of AB's high school film, but upon reviewing what we had, these are the stats we can account for:

615 yards from scrimmage on 12 touches for 11 visits to six point land. Find me a more dynamic athlete with that level of efficiency. Notre Dame, Alabama, Georgia, and both teams from the PAC-12 must've been lining up at the Framm's doorsteps trying to get their hands on the future Heisdog. It shouldn't go overlooked that he also forced two fumbles and took one to the house for good measure. Air Bud was a swiss army knife on the field but the volume of plays and level of effort it took to dominate on both sides are what ultimately led to injuries that took him off the field.

Verdict

Look, Air Bud isn't playing both sides of the ball under my tutelage. You don't take Randy Moss & Barry Sanders combined and make him play defense. I'm absolutely exercising the fifth-year option on Air Bud's contract, but pay day beyond that is going to depend on his projectable durability.

Eagles Legend DeSean Jackson Retires

 DeSean Jackson is putting the ole racing tires in the back of the garage today, officially retiring as an Eagle after 15 years in the league. Game Changer, Defense-Breaker, the Kite & Key to Andy Reid's Ben Franklin. Jackson will be remembered for a myriad of highlight reel plays on the field but I'll never forget one particular Instragram caption from him that, in my opinion, couldn't have been more accurately and poignantly articulated...

His insta game might've taken a bit of a turn later on but back before the app was loaded with God-fearing fitness dudes and 25 year old girls supplementing their marketing jobs with Day in the Life videos, DJaxx was reeling off the truth on social. Every Sunday was like watching a Chinese New Year fireworks display when Vick, Shady, and DeSean took the field. Nobody took the top off a defense like the Vick-Jackson connection and nobody took the top off a stripper like LeSean McCoy on a Thursday afternoon after "film study". Add Jeremy Maclin and Nick Foles to the equation and that Birds offense was equipped with more weapons than a locked shed in Cosmo DiNardo's backyard.

Through punt returns, Jackson was able to add a new dynamic to the Eagles game plan which also took an effect on how fans watched the game. After 5 seasons of watching Reno Mahe, who would've struggled to find a lane if Moses was his lead blocker, punts were no longer breaks in the action to take a piss and grab a Yuengling because DeSean could turn the tides at any given moment, or even ruin a divisional rival coach's skincare routine for the week. 

If one day I arrive at the gates of heaven and the only thing I have to do to get in is forgive Chip Kelly for tearing that team apart, then it seems I'll spend eternity meeting up with Satan for trivia nights on Tuesdays at the local pub in hell. 

Pay homage to a legend by watching 7 minutes and 40 seconds of DeSean Jackson playing Tecmo Bowl in real life