Where Are They Now? A Charlie Brown Christmas

What do American cinema classics Remember the Titans, Miracle, and Animal House all have in common? They're all movies based on a true story with closing 'Where are they now' scenes offering some closure with the characters that just took you on a 90 minute roller coaster ride of emotion. Without these blurbs before the end credits, I wouldn't have known Sunshine Ronnie Bass played QB at South Carolina or that John Belushi became a US Senator while Neidermeyer's own men shot him in Vietnam. These scenes tie the bow on a perfectly wrapped gift of filmography.

A Charlie Brown Christmas will entertain, educate, and tantalize you for a half hour. Linus taking Chuck through the journey of enlightenment to see beauty in the Christmas season should be used in psychology textbooks and journals.

For me, 30 minutes isn't quite enough. I need just 3 more minutes of Vince Guaraldi orchestrated symphony while the Peanuts gang fades across my screen with a passage about their life in the years following production. But at 8:30 PM the programming changes to a screaming oversized red-headed elf and my euphoric reverie is pulled out from me like Lucy holding a field goal.

Why not try and guess where the Peanuts gang ended up. Charles Schultz couldn't provide me that closure so I'll search for it myself. The movie was made in 1965 so for the sake of this exercise I'm going to push it back to 1995 putting the lads in their mid to late 30's now and slightly more relatable.

Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown has always been a lovable loser. His spirit fluctuates from unachievable optimism to Mariana Trench level deep depression. The DSM-5 might have something to say about the clear imbalance in Chalie's serotonin and dopamine levels but Chuck's fans see him as a relatable on-screen figure.

Today: Charlie Brown scratched by paycheck-to-paycheck as a line cook at Cicis Pizza Buffet before getting laid off in March 2020. A cashier selling him a 6 foot rope then told Charlie about Ethereum. His initial investment has increased in value by 1500% since but he can't Venmo you for drinks at the bar until 72 hours after clearing a withdrawal with three North Korean government officials.

Linus Van Pelt

Linus Van Pelt lived a lot of his life in the shadows, known mostly for being Charlie Brown's best friend and Lucy's little brother. His trusty blanket and refusal to give up thumb-sucking further played up his need for co-dependency, really made out to be a shell of a human being by Charles Schultz. It's tough for fans to find anything bad to say about Linus but they're also not going to find a whole lot of superstar qualities in him either. 

Today: Linus decided he was sick of his parents always favoring Lucy. He was sick of Charlie Brown's constant bitching about the Little Red Head girl without ever asking her on a date. And he was especially sick of Snoopy treating his blanket like a tug-of-war toy tossing him around the yard. One day he walked up to the side of the highway, took his thumb out of his mouth, turned it sideways, and started heading west. A couple days later Linus tried magic mushrooms for the first time at a truck stop just outside Pagosa Springs, Colorado. He felt like his eyes were fully opened to who he truly was as an individual. After a 12 hour trip in the of cab an 18-wheeler, Linus hopped out and set up shop in Joshua Tree where he still lives today selling tribal blankets.

Lucy Van Pelt

God how it'd burn me up when Lucy would set up a perfectly held field goal, let Charlie Brown step back three times and twice to the left, charge the pigskin, take a swing like he's Justin Tucker sending one from 62, and whiff to land flat on his back once again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me................can't get fooled again. I get that Charlie's the dumbass in this situation but forgive me for thinking Lucy would give him ONE chance to kick the damn ball.

Today: While Lucy was denying Charlie Brown of ever getting the chance to become a kicker in the NFL, CFL, XFL, AFL, USFL, or any other FL, she was practicing on her own. Lucy spent hours kicking her soccer ball against whatever wall she could find, even if it led up to a roof occupied by a sleeping Snoopy. She was a sensational young star, joining national training programs at just 12 years old. Then, in 2003, Lucy thought she was going to achieve her goal of becoming the youngest American woman to play in the World Cup. It was anticipated she would take the last spot on the USWNT but, in a shocking turn of events, Coach April Heinrichs opted for the slightly older and more experienced Abigail Wambach for the team's final roster spot.

Pig Pen

I don't blame Pig Pen. I blame his parents. Who lets their kid walk around town and go to school with a force field of filth surrounding his every step? Slobs and cavemen, that's who. It's amazing that the rest of the Peanuts gang doesn't let Pig Pen's lack of sanitization ruin their mental sanity. Wouldn't be my homie running around like he needs mud flaps.

Today: Pig Pen quite literally grew up to be Liver King. Down to 1 functioning eye but still following the 9 ancestral tenets, Pig Pen is enamoring from afar but downright impossible to be around due to the pungency that constantly surrounds his aura. We should have seen this coming though. Charlie and Linus both said Pig Pen used to steal the eggs Woodstock laid calling them his "daily protein shake" then would munch them down shell and all.