5 Hats to Put On Your Christmas List

I don't know about you but ever since the pandemic I've had a hard time telling Santa exactly what I want for Christmas when I take my picture with him at the mall. Every time I'm in line and the elves are yelling "Come on kid...move up in line now kid...what are you like 30?" I get flustered. Each of the past three years I've wanted to ask for a cool hat, something to really spruce up any winter outfit, but when I sit on his lap all I can spit out is "football." What the fuck is a football?!

I'm going to be proactive about my list for Santa this year, I'm going to study my list, maybe even twice. And when the big moment comes at Willow Grove Mall in two Saturdays, I'm gonna get it right.

This is my list of the 5 Coolest Hats for the 2023 Christmas Season 

5. Any NBA Finals Snapback from PacSun

It goes unsaid but I'll say it anyway. Just about every single article of clothing from PacSun is absolute fire. If you buy your threads from Urban Outfitters you're a crunchy poser and if you go to H&M your shirt might break in the wind. True swaggy Cali bros like Nyjah Houston and Sam Bankman-Fried rock PacSun so enough said.

My personal favorite NBA Finals Snapback is the Sixers-Lakers '01 edition but that's with bias so pictured here would be my next go-to. Mitchell & Ness doesn't make a single bad hat so you can't go wrong with whatever is in stock at PSun but Karl Malone lost in '98 and he's a certified Bad Guy. These are on sale right now so it's the perfect time to add the 1998 Chicago Bulls-Utah Jazz NBA Finals Snapback from PacSun to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

4. Carhartt Beanie

This is another Cool Guy Hat. If Nyjah Houston and SBF aren't wearing PacSun snapbacks, they're almost certainly sporting a beanie on the melon. Not all beanies are built the same however. Pom-pom beanies had a huge run and are still hot in the streets but the more I see them on drunk dudes at tailgates as opposed to pretty girls with fake tans in Manhattan, the less I think they're under the "Cool Guy" category.

The Carhartt, though, is for the cool guys. Am I trying to give off the illusion that I just gave a 60 hour week to the Union fitting pipes or welding things that get welded? No, take one look at my lotioned hands or ask me to put together a piece of Ikea furniture and I'd be exposed. But I can toss on a Carhartt Beanie and be one of the coolest guys in any room. Bar, gym, apartment building lobby, D3 sorority house, anywhere. Carhartt's are always a hot ticket especially during the winter so it's time to add a Carhartt Beanie to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

3. Crockett & Boone Authentic Fur Hat

What screams "adventure" more than an authentic Crockett & Boone raccoon fur-lined hat? Wind resistant, water deterrent, heat insulant, this bad boy offers everything you need to keep your scalp warm in these colder months. Quite frankly if you're bald or balding, this is a must have. Beanies offer style but when the wind whips up, your shiny dome is still going to take the brunt of it. Plus this piece acts as a natural toupee making it good for indoor and outdoor wear so it's time to add a Crockett & Boone Fur Hat to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

2. Viking Helmet

We're talking adventure?! How about I take your Davey Crockett and raise you the Vikings. Wearing a viking helmet out in public might not give off the best vibe from an ethical or moral standpoint when you get into the weeds, but if nothing else all the other fellas will know that you are down to plunder and pillage.

Treat yourself. Book a roundtrip flight to Stockholm with a stop in Reykjavik. Soak in the awe-inspiring beauty of the Northern Lights. Tour an igloo. Sit in a sauna with 6'5" chiseled Scandinavians and take a small hit to your self-confidence. All the while, you can look up and be sure that there's a horn protecting each side of your precocious cranium. Flights to Sweden and Norway tend to be a bit cheaper in the winter months as fewer people seek out the subzero celsius weather, so it's a great time to add a Viking Helmet to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.

1. Kevin James Wool Cap (Kangol)

Kevin James has a stronghold on popular culture. Always has, always will. I grew up on Everybody Loves Raymond and The King of Queens. They'd come on right after each other and Ray Barone couldn't hold a candle to Doug Heffernan. Some may scoff at Doug's job as an IPS deliveryman but he got to wear shorts to work every day and ate the best sandwiches in New York City for lunch based on his route. Then he went home to a beautiful wife who worked as a paralegal in Manhattan and tolerated endless amounts of bullshit and Whopper crumbs. As a chubby 5th grader I thought this guy was writing the script I needed to follow for the rest of my life. Poor guy was a Mets Jets Knicks fan though.

Since then we've seen this guy save a Black Friday sale as Paul Blart, learn MMA to provide high schoolers with after-school activities as Scott Voss, lead the Liberty Christian Warriors of Argyle, TX to a near undefeated season as Sean Payton, run a zoo, judge the Zohan's hacky sack tournament, voice Otis the cow in Barnyard, marry Adam Sandler, and team up with some of the funniest minds in Hollywood to create the greatest duology in cinema history with Grown Ups & Grown Ups 2. Now he's back in memes across your timeline so what better time to add a Kangol Wool 504 to your collection and spruce up any outfit this winter.